Labor Day weekend is here! We want to help make sure it’s awesome by giving you this list of The Top Tips for Having a Great Labor Day Weekend.
Don’t forget why we celebrate Labor Day. I mean, first you gotta Google why we celebrate Labor Day . . . THEN don’t forget it.
Don’t tell your party guests you’re serving Impossible Burgers unless you want to hear Uncle Dave rant about how imitation meat is a deep state conspiracy.
Engage your Labor Day party guests in conversations about presidential politics and religion . . . those are always great icebreakers!
Ignore your colon when it begins to whimper after your ninth hot dog.
Watch a parade . . . well, drink beer with a parade in the background.
Hire a DJ for your pool party. Just don’t let any white people dance.
Spend lots of time outside while also avoiding mosquitoes with West Nile Virus, ticks that carry Lyme disease, the flesh-eating viruses in the rivers and lakes . . . and, of course, the mass shooters. Happy Labor Day!
Plan an activity that everyone enjoys. Like camping, kickball or badmouthing immigrants.
If your party’s too much of a sausage fest, crack open a Truly. White women can hear that sound from a mile and a half away.
Watch college football. And try not to think about the fact you’re watching teenagers slowly kill themselves for your weekend entertainment.
Make the party BYOB. Bring Your Own Barbiturates.
Watch Dave Chappelle’s new stand-up special and take a shot every time you’re offended.
Plant flowers on the graves of . . . I don’t know, laborers? What is this holiday for anyway???
Keep reminding yourself that the kids will be back in school on Tuesday.
See if you can spend it with someone other than your wife.
If you live in Florida . . . EVACUATE!!!