Hopefully you remember that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. That’s step one. Now we’ll get into the rest of the steps it takes to half-ass it tomorrow but not make it SUPER obvious.
Here are the results from a survey by Groupon that figured out the bare minimum amount of effort you need to put in to make it look like you tried on Valentine’s Day.
1. If you’re a man, spend $179 on gifts and dinner. If you’re a woman, spend $74.
2. Write at least FOUR sentences in a card.
3. Even if you’re planning a night out, make sure to buy SOME gift, even a small one. 26% of women and 19% of men would be disappointed if they didn’t get anything.
4. And make sure to plan some activity, even if it’s just dinner at home. 71% of people say it’s more important that you planned something than what it is specifically.
There was a discussion on Reddit where actual guys said what they want for Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’ll give you a few ideas. Or not. These are their actual words.
- “A couples’ deep tissue massage . . . about an hour in the steam room . . . ice cold beer . . . a medium-rare porterhouse, baked potato, mushroom, salad dinner . . . and relax to an action movie of my choice.”
- “I personally prefer experiences over material objects. Make me dinner, give me a gift certificate that says I can tie you up and have my way with you, or take me on a road trip.”
- “A Darth Vader onesie.”
- “Things that I’ll use. A nice wallet, sunglasses, Chapstick, a nice coffee cup.”
- “Something that gets me a little closer to my dreams or hobbies.”
- “The greatest gift is that my old lady and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.”
- (CAREFUL!) “Enthusiastic oral sex.”
- “Kinky sex. Seriously, it may sound cheap or insincere but, as a man, there is nothing I want more than to have it my way on Valentine’s Day.”
- “Two tickets to see my favorite team play.”
- “A day with my girlfriend alone, no clocks, no cellphones, only her . . . and sex.”
Anyone can get their lady roses for Valentine’s Day. But if you REALLY want to impress her, why not give her DORITOS roses. Seriously.
Doritos actually gave away free bouquets of flowers made out of Doritos on their website. Unfortunately it was only in Canada, and they were all snapped up already. But you can make your OWN. Even if you’re not that crafty.
Just buy some fake plastic roses, take off the petals, and glue some of the curlier Doritos from a bag in their place. There’s even a step-by-step guide to making them . . . just Google “Doritos Roses Are The Only Valentine’s Day Gift Worth Giving.”
The only downside is that you can’t EAT them, because of the glue. But they’ll make for a GREAT Instagram post. And isn’t that all she REALLY wants?