The Top Signs You’re At A Redneck Halloween Party

The Top Signs You’re At A Redneck Halloween Party

Houston native, 1st Lt. Jamie Arrington, 610th Brigade Support Battalion Physicians Assistant, gets a laugh from the crowd as he poses in his "redneck" costume during the Company C, 610th BSB "Charlie Med" Halloween party at the Forward Operating Base Falcon, Troop Medical Clinic, Oct. 28.

Redneck costume, complete with mullet.

 

Here are some great zingers/dad jokes to help you get into the Halloween spirit.

Behold, the Top Signs You’re At A Redneck Halloween Party

  • That zombie who’s missing the bottom half of his face is actually a guy who got mouth cancer from Redman.
  • The only thing that’s really scary is the giant Confederate flag on the living room wall.
  • It’s your first time hearing “Don’t Fear the Reaper” played by a guy blowing into a jug.
  • All the dummies hanging from the trees in the yard look suspiciously like President Obama and Hillary Clinton.
  • Almost everyone’s dressed as Daryl from “The Walking Dead” because what the heck, they already had a crossbow and a Harley.
  • There’s no need for strobe lights when you can get the same effect by drinking what they’re mixing in the bathtub out back.
  • Little Red Riding Hood has two full tattoo sleeves.
  • Nobody dresses as ghosts because they don’t want to dirty their Klan robes.
  • The witches are brewing meth.
  • The winner of the scariest costume contest is dressed as a Democrat.
  • The most popular costume is the “Sexy Cousin.”
  • The pumpkin carving knife is covered in leftover squirrel meat.
  • Everyone jumped from fright at the sight of an empty beer cooler.
  • Any women dressed as a witch hears, “Oh, nice Hillary Clinton costume!”
  • Not one person asks, “So, read any good books lately?”
The Most Beautiful Celebrities . . . According to Science

The Most Beautiful Celebrities . . . According to Science

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Amber Heard

Johnny Depp, you messed up, son. You let one of the most beautiful women in the world get away when you broke up with AMBER HEARD. And that’s not just my opinion . . . it’s straight-up SCIENCE.

There’s a thing called “The Golden Ratio”, and it goes all the way back to ancient Greece. It’s a standard of beauty based on the ratio of Phi, which is 1.618.

It’s a little too mathemaniacal for me to understand, being a radio guy and all. But basically, it comes down to all the stuff on your face . . . your nose, mouth, eyes, eyebrows, etc . . . and the various distances between them.

Or something like that. Anyway, a British cosmetic surgeon came up with a face-mapping program that calculates just how close a person is to that Golden Ratio. They tested a bunch of celebrities, and Amber came out on top.

She’s followed, in this order, by Kim Kardashian, Kate Moss, Emily Ratajkowski, Kendall Jenner, Helen Mirren, Scarlett Johansson, Selena Gomez, Marilyn Monroe, and Jennifer Lawrence.

But the competition was fierce. The difference between Amber at #1 and Jennifer at #10 is only about two and a half percent.

They also determined who had the most attractive individual facial components. And they found that Amber has the best NOSE and CHIN.

Kate Moss has the best FOREHEAD . . . while Kim Kardashian has the best EYEBROWS. But Scarlett Johannson has the best EYES.

Emily Ratajkowski has the best LIPS, and RIHANNA has the best FACE SHAPE, even though she didn’t make the overall Top 10.

(If you want step-by-step instructions on how to rate YOUR face, click here. You’ll also find all the lists, as well as a composite of the supposed PERFECT FACE, based on the best parts of all these women.)

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A photo posted by ️️Amber Heard ️ (@amberheard_) on

The World’s Ugliest Dog Is a Blind, Incontinent Chihuahua With a Mohawk

The World’s Ugliest Dog Is a Blind, Incontinent Chihuahua With a Mohawk

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Every year there’s a “World’s Ugliest Dog” contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, California. Usually the winner is ugly, but also kinda adorable in a way.

Not this time. This dog is just straight up ugly.

The 28th annual World’s Ugliest Dog contest was Friday night, and the winner was a 17-year-old Chinese Crested Chihuahua named SweePee Rambo.

She’s a small black dog who’s BLIND . . . she needs to wear diapers because she’s incontinent . . . she has a blonde mohawk . . . and she has a sore on her leg that was oozing pus during the contest.

Her owner is a 44-year-old guy named Jason Wurtz from Encino, California. He and SweePee won $1,500 . . . and he says it’s going to go toward removing a tumor in her mouth. See, there’s someone out there for everyone.

(Santa Rosa Press Democrat

Want to Get Someone to Stop Snoring? Tape Their Mouth Shut

Want to Get Someone to Stop Snoring? Tape Their Mouth Shut

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This seems awfully medieval for medical advice, so please take it as information only . . . and DON’T sue us.

A hospital in Boston is running a test right now on a new technique to stop people from snoring: Taping their MOUTHS shut.

They aren’t using duct tape or anything . . . they’re using a special device that sticks to your mouth and keeps it shut while you sleep. So it forces you to breathe through your nose.

But that’s not all. The researchers think it could also help fight sleep apnea, because it forces the person to breathe through their nose, which can help stop their throats from closing up.

Unfortunately there’s no word on when this anti-snoring mouth tape might go on sale.

(Daily Mail)